Live
by Lady Monozuki
Summary: One-shot He lost everything. Will he be able to move forward?


**Live**

Disclaimer: I do not own FMA.

Life is unfair. That much became clear to me the day I made that terrible mistake. I still harangue myself for using the alchemy that forever changed the lives of my brother and me. No, that's not the entire truth...I am absolutely disgusted with myself for doing so. We could have lived in peace, without our mother. But we wanted her back. Rather, I wanted her back. Al went along with my choice.

I shouldn't have involved him with my plans but I did so anyway. My auto mail fist slams into the wall. I try to calm myself down, with little success. The questions that I had asked a thousand times came back again. But the answers always ended up the same. I still felt hatred toward myself, which increased since _that_ happened. With a growl, I try to forget about the memories that always seemed to resurface. Somehow, my body managed to find the Colonel's office without my knowledge.

No doubt he wanted to talk about my resignation papers, though I don't know why he even gives a damn. For the past several years, he acted indifferent and made my life hell. I force a chuckle as I start to think of all of the possible things he could want to say to me. One idea being that he wanted to make more jokes about my height, or tell me how glad his is to finally be rid of me.

"Bastard."

The phrase rolls off my lips without any feeling or thought. I just want to get out of the stifling military air. Besides, they can send me off to war and I don't want to be forced to kill anymore. Why should I stay anyway? I don't have a purpose anymore. I curl my fist as I think about _him_. The door to the office is covered with black marks from my disrespect and poor attitude from some years previous.

I debate whether or not to go ahead with following my usual suit but decide against doing so. I didn't need another reason for the man to hate me. Instead, I break all normality and knock. I hear a slight movement before Hawkeye opens the door. She looks down, as if expecting me. I want to make some sort of comment but don't. I grunt. She motions for me to come in and I do so.

Behind a large desk sits Roy Mustang. He puts down the paper he's looking at and glares at me. I want to snap off his head for doing so. But I don't say anything. Instead, I hang my head. I'm afraid that he'll see the redness in my eyes and know that I've been crying. I was never one to show any signs of weakness before and I didn't want to start now. I want him to speak so I can get the hell out of here, but he doesn't say anything. I want to go back to my place and stay there for the rest of my life. Without saying anything, I'm begging him to hurry this up. There's nothing left for me in this world now.

"I assume you know why you're here, FullMetal," he starts.

"No, you just called me and demanded a meeting. So what the hell is this all about?" I ask, trying to use my usual voice. But I'm sure he heard the shakiness of my words.

"Your resignation papers, of course. I want to know why you're giving up on the military."

I growl.

_Like you don't know already, you bastard._

"I joined the military for the sole purpose of getting my brother's body back. I accomplished that mission and now I'm done," I reply.

"Edward," he says.

His tone is softer than usual, though I'm sure that I imagined that. He doesn't give a damn and I don't either. I want out of here. Without saying anything, I feel trapped. My hands are shaking. I don't want this to continue. The more I'm forced to think about _him_, the more I lose my composure. I know that soon I won't be able to keep myself from crying. I don't want him to see me cry. But he knows. I can sense that he knows that I'm breaking on the inside.

But he doesn't know how much I am hurting. My metal arm grasps my flesh wrist.

_He must not know. He must not find out about this._

My grip tightens. I can feel his eyes on me, looking at my actions. I just stand there, trying to convince myself that he can't the trembling of my body. But I know that he can.

"There's nothing you could have done."

I dare to look up. What kind of response was that? I try to hold back from lashing out at him.

_What does he know?_

"Edward," he repeats. "There's nothing you could have done."

That alone pushes me over the edge. I no longer preserve any self-control.

"What do you know? What did he do to deserve this?" I shout. "All he ever did was be kind to people and help them! Because of _me_ I got him stuck in that time bomb and then spent five years going on a wild goose chase. And when I finally obtain our goal, what happens? I'll tell you what happens, he is killed because some manic decided that he didn't like the look on his face! How is that fair, Mustang? How is that fair? I should be in the grave, rotting and forgotten. I got him into the situation and finally atoned for my mistake. But in the end…I-I couldn't save him."

I feel hot tears rolling down my cheeks, but I don't care at this point. He meant everything to me and someone slit his throat for amusement. If I had been there, I could have stopped the man. None of this would have happened and he would still be here. But I didn't. I didn't do _anything._

"He asked me, Mustang," I whisper. "He asked me to go with him. I didn't feel well and didn't want to go. He went anyway. We fought against the odds and won. But what difference did that make?"

Roy walks over toward me. I expect him to slap me. Instead, he gives me a hug. The embrace catches me off guard. The warmth and gentleness is enough to make me cry harder. I grab on to his uniform, as if it's my lifeline. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I can't help but wonder if Hawkeye is watching this and laughing at how pathetic I am. Or even if she knows the truth about what I do alone but right now, I don't care what she thinks. I just want answers but no one has any. Al is gone, that's all everyone knows.

"Why don't you continue with your life in the military," Roy suggests.

"There's no future for me there. B-besides, someone will talk about _him_."

He pulls away and looks me in the eye. I know that he's trying to read my thoughts. He put a hand on my flesh wrist. I flinch a little but show no other signs of pain.

_He knows._

"What do you plan on doing then?"

I think for a moment. "Lock myself away from the world. They don't need a failure like me anyway. People call me a great hero, but…." I pause and give a short laugh at their stupidity. "But I couldn't even protect my brother."

"Stop talking like that!" Roy shouts.

"Then how else am I supposed to talk? Your brother isn't in a grave, Mustang. The brother that I fought to protect for five years is gone. What else am I supposed to say?" I challenge.

"You give yourself too little credit. No one expected you to protect your brother every minute of every day. Things like that happen and there's nothing you can do to prevent them. Your brother may have died, but he went out to get something for you to make you feel better. That's what made him the happiest, knowing that he could always take care of you and stay by your side until the end. I'm sure that he has no regrets about going out. And I know that you hate yourself for not going with him, but he understood. He loved you, Ed. And even though he's gone, he still does."

I hang my head in shame. I know he's right. Al went out to get me some food and medicine. I blink back the tears. He always thought of others before himself and would go out of his way to help them.

_What would he say if he could see me now? He would hate me for bringing a knife to my wrist wouldn't he? Al…what would you say to me?_

I look into Mustang's eyes. I know that I need help. After all, I tried to kill myself last night. But I couldn't go through with it…because I knew that Al wouldn't want me to be like this.

"W-what am I going to do without him?" I ask.

"Live."

~End

Lady Monozuki: Thank you very much for reading. Please review!


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